Talking to Children About School Shootings

It's easy to get overwhelmed thinking about talking to your kids about the school shooting. There's some help on a website here: that we have found in the last few days.


Additionally, there is this article that has been helpful for others.

Clicking on the link on the word "here" and "this" will take you to the articles.

If you would like more assistance, or you or your child is continually disturbed about this issue to a level where it is interrupting normal life, please call our office at 1-800-236-3792.

“Facebook” or “Fakebook”

I have had many thoughts about social media and specifically the use of Facebook or FB. Unfortunately, many of my own thoughts have really been negative towards it. Sure, I understand that it is a way for people to connect with loved ones from a distance, classmates from the past, and even the greater world around them, and for that I praise Facebook for helping people reconnect and get connected. Of course, businesses love FB too; they can get the word out about their product or services to over 900 million people without having to barely lift a finger, except to sign a check over to Zuckerberg for an advertisement (Nawaiwaqt Group of Newspapers, 2012).

My question is, “are we really more connected”? Do we really have greater intimate relationships after someone reads a status update? I have around four hundred friends on FB. How many of them really know me or even want to really know me or what is really going on in my life? I am sure there are a number of Facebook users who would say that without Facebook I would not be connected to the world or that Facebook changed my life because I have friends now. I say to that, “good for you”. I think that more people have a different experience. They go on Facebook for good reasons, to stay connected to friends and family, but then they discover how great everyone else has it in the world, (at least it seems that way) and then they begin to feel more miserable about their own lives. The very thing we thought would help us be more connected then becomes an even greater source of disconnection to reality.

On Facebook I can hide all my fears, hurts, and frustrations; all the ugliness of my life can be forgotten and I can present to the world all the great things about my life. There is the “Real Me” with all my flaws and my good qualities, and then there is the “Facebook Me” displaying all my good qualities; it is the very best of me for all the world to see. This is where the positive connection we can have on Facebook goes awry. Facebook affairs happen this way; you connect with someone from your past, you see only the good they want you to see and that good seems better than what you have right now in your current relationship with conflict and disconnection; now you’re leaving your four kids and spouse to run off to be with a “Facebook Me” and not a “Real Me”. Later, to find out that this “Facebook Me” has been married and divorced twice, has six kids, and currently does not have a job, but you are the love of their lives and this time will be different, right?
Hear me out. I am not saying that FB is wrong or evil and that we should avoid it like swine flu. However, if FB becomes your sole means for connection to the world around you and not face to face people interaction, then FB has become a source of false intimacy; a “Fakebook”. I suggest we seek a balance between our time on FB and our time in the real world of face to face connections.

What do think about this blog article? Tell us on our Facebook page at:

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Center-for-Human-Development/338081512538

Nick LaFonte is currently a counseling intern at CHD working towards a master’s in professional counseling.

Change is Possible

Professional therapists always believe that it is possible for a person to change. We see this in many of our clients. I was recently reminded of how extensive those changes can be following the passing of Chuck Colson.

An Associated Press article in the April 22 edition of the Wausau Daily Herald identified Colson as “ the tough-as-nails special counsel to President Richard Nixon who went to prison for his role in a Watergate-related case…(he) was known as the ‘evil genius” of the Nixon administration who once said that he’d walk over his grandmother to get the president elected to a second term.”

Colson, after a Christian religious conversion, pleaded guilty to obstruction of justice and served seven months in prison. After his release, he founded Prison Fellowship (1976), which has had an enormous impact in reaching tens of thousands of inmates and their families. The “Angel Tree” program to provided Christmas presents to children of inmates and enjoyed tremendous success locally and nationwide. In 1993, he was awarded the Templeton Prize for Progress in Religion in recognition of his invaluable contributions to American religion. He also established the Colson Center for Christian Worldview to equip others to “…live the Christian Life more effectively and to be a more effective witness.” I listened to Chuck regularly on his BreakPoint radio broadcast where he commented on our culture from a Christian worldview for over 20 years. I was also fortunate to hear his inspirational presentations at three major national conferences.

Dr. Richard Land, President of The Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission of the Southern Baptist Convention stated that, "Perhaps Chuck Colson's most lasting legacy will be the Manhattan Declaration. Chuck was absolutely essential in bringing together evangelical, Catholic, and Orthodox religious leaders to hammer out an eloquent statement of common ground on three issues critical to people of faith in America: the sanctity of life; the institution of marriage; and religious freedom. This seminal document, already signed by more than half a million American Christians, will continue to rise in importance and influence as these issues escalate in controversy in our society… In a way, Chuck Colson was, like a late 20th-century Apostle Paul, radically transformed by his Damascus Road experience with Jesus Christ."

Yes, indeed, change is possible and Chuck Colson can serve as an inspiration for all of us.



Lee Webster BS, MSW, LCSW, BCD

Thanksgiving All Year Long

It was last April when I ended a ten and a half year career at an agency I was hoping to retire from. The program ended due to financial problems and I contemplated starting my own business when the Center for Human Development called me and invited me to be on board with them as a therapist! In a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts, I was told the Center and it’s staff are like family! Well, over my 28 year career this was not the first time I had heard this term and wondered if it was a healthy family or dysfunctional one. After much discernment and prayer, I agreed to work with the Center. Starting a private practice is a challenge that usually takes about five years to grow. With the support of great support staff and a team of not only professional staff but colleagues who have a tremendous amount of experience and skills the journey I am now on has not only been growth producing professionally, but also very rewarding personally. This is an agency that truly cares about the people that seek services here and they also care about each other on a genuine level. Lee and Barb Webster are the owners of the Center and are also very active and experienced therapists. This couple welcomes all of us into their business but also welcomes us into their lives and as we share with each other professionally and personally the joys, successes and struggles that most people experience in life! After working for The Center for Human Development for the past year and a half, I would have to say not only is it a job but an experience of joy, love and excitement! Throughout this past year, I have been truly thankful that I did not start my own business but joined in my adoptive family of therapists and coworkers on a journey to serve those in need with professional and personal care!
Dan Buss, LCSW, MSW

Dealing with Stress in Difficult Financial Times

Tough economic times create additional stress for individuals, couples and families. In recent months, many of us have had to tighten our belts, as the economic picture has been quite dim. Jobs have been lost or time cut, investments diminished, and the dollar seems to be shrinking daily (my grocery shopping basket seemed only half-full the other day and I almost choked when I paid the bill). Indeed, a recent study done by the American Psychological Association documented that money and financial issues were ranked as the highest stressor in the lives of 8 of 10 respondents. 1 Stress, in and of itself, is a good thing—it moves us to action. It is when it becomes overwhelming and distressful that it can have devastating effects on people. Our thought processes compound fear, and most often, the things that we fear the most do not materialize. In the meantime, however, our bodies respond to our deepest fears physically, just as if the event we are fantasizing about is actually happening. Unfortunately, these fears are often immobilizing or harmful to ourselves and those around us. Anger and damage to intimate relationships are frequently reported when people are under what they perceive as excessive stress. We know that severe or prolonged stress is a factor in health and relationship problems. Remember, stress is stress, whether it is caused by an empty wallet, a screaming child, or a fender bender. Good Stress Management techniques involve caring for the whole person, physically, socially, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. The things that have worked for you to reduce stress in the past are still the best starting place: ● Exercise ● Eat healthy foods, in moderation ● Get enough sleep ● Learn and use a relaxation technique ● Communicate with friends, family and especially your spouse ● Practice your hobby or other enjoyable activity ● Volunteer or give of yourself to others ● Actively practice your faith We are not alone in all of this. Best selling author M. Scott Peck stated in The Road Less Traveled, “Life is difficult.” In a recent Psychology Today article, philosopher Needleman is quoted saying “Human beings live by meaning—not by pleasure, not by acquisition, not by status…If this crisis makes people ask what is really important in their lives then a lot of the money problems will be alleviated.” 2 The truth is that we will survive this, and most of us will be better for it. Many people are revisiting their priorities and are finding satisfaction in the “little” things of life, faith, family and friends. So evaluate your priorities, practice good judgment in your spending habits and budgeting, communicate to those in your support network, buy from local merchants, and pray diligently. If you feel that your stress is getting out of hand, see your doctor, and/or seek out our professional mental health or budget counselors. l American Psychological Association, Stress in America, October 24, 2007 2 Psychology Today, When Money Talks, June 2008 by E. Lee Webster BS, MSW, LCSW, BCD

Summer Reading

Submitted by Stephanie Hamann, MA, LPC, NCC

There are people that find summer a time to relax and to catch up on reading or other things that they find enjoyable. I thought I would list some of my favorite books in many areas for you to check out as you have vacation time or additional time in the car in order to read. Enjoy the list, and feel free to email me and recommend your favorites to me! I can be reached at shamann@chdevelopment.org.

Marriage/Relationships
The 5 Love Languages – Gary Chapman

Depression
Depression: A stubborn darkness – Edward T. Welch

Relationships
Boundaries – Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Children
Siblings without Rivalry – Adele Faber and Elaine Mazish

Stepfamilies
A Smart Stepfamily – Ron Deal

Discipline
123 Magic – Thomas Phelan

Marriage
His Needs Her Needs – Willard F. Harley, Jr

Affair in Marriage
After the Affair – Janis Abrams Spring and Michael Spring

Codependency
When people are big and God is small – Edward T. Welch

Fiction
Redeeming Love – Francine Rivers
Chronicles of Narnia – C.S. Lewis The next movie comes out this winter – get reading and finish the book before the next movie comes out.
When Joy Came to Stay – Karen Kingsbury

Five Keys To a Good Relationship

Since it is February, the so-called “season of love,” this month’s article is about things that are important to relationships, and not just marital or other romantic relationships, but relationships in general. Since there are those that are better writers and thinkers than I, I’m sharing something I found from Richard Nicastro, Ph. D. Dr. Nicastro, is a psychologist and relationship coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship. Rich and his wife Lucia founded LifeTalk Coaching, an internet-based coaching business that helps couples strengthen their relationships. 5 actions that are essential for your relationship: 1. Hellos and good-byes Greeting your partner and saying good-bye are quick and easy to do but often overlooked in the chaos of hectic schedules. A warm, expressive greeting can set the stage for the entire day. An affectionate “good-bye” allows you and your partner to emotionally hold on to loving feelings while separated from each other. You’d be surprised how often couples skip this simple way to book-end their days. It may seem easier to put all your morning energies into catching the 7:15 train and overlook taking the time to stop, make eye contact with your partner and genuinely wish him/her a good day. Don’t fall into this trap. 2. Share the trivialities of life Think back to a time when your relationship was new. What did you and your partner talk about? Probably anything and everything. The excitement of new love propels us to share even the smallest details of our day. Unfortunately that level of sharing often dwindles as relationships mature and responsibilities mount. Focus on the act of sharing to refuel intimacy. The simple act itself is more important than the specifics of what is shared. So make it a habit to share the trivialities of your day with your partner. 3. Learn to laugh together Shared laughter is a surefire way to keep the connection with your partner vibrant. When you laugh, you’re tapping into the playful energy that transcends life’s stresses. When you and your partner make each other laugh, this energy feeds intimacy and life becomes a little less daunting. Make time for mutual playfulness and make fun of life’s absurdities —this will help you both cope with stress, develop perspective and achieve a greater sense of togetherness. 4. Communicate through Touch Touch is a powerful way to communicate affection and foster intimacy. Whether you’re sitting across from each other at the dinner table or next to your partner on the sofa, make the effort to increase the amount you touch one another. Touch also has a calming effect on our bodies, so if you want to create a relaxed, loving atmosphere and make your partner feel special, lean into each other the next time you’re at the movies or watching TV. 5. Show your appreciation It’s human nature to want to be recognized for the things we do. When you express gratitude, your partner receives the message that you are thankful and are not taking him/her for granted. An atmosphere of appreciation will create positive feelings and deepen your connection. Don’t fall prey to the expectation-mindset, where you start to believe that your partner is supposed to do all the things s/he does and therefore doesn’t need to be thanked for them—this mindset creates a dangerous atmosphere of complacency that erodes intimacy. These five loving acts don’t take much time and don’t cost a dime—but the payoff is huge. You will be taking steps to protect your marriage or relationship from the fast-paced tempo of life. Is your relationship worth protecting? Are you ready to make your marriage everything it can be? Stephanie Hamann, MA, LPC, NCC is a licensed professional counselor at the Center for Human Development. She can be reached at 1-800-236-3792 or at shamann@chdevelopment.org

Getting Back Into the Routine

As I drive around the area, I realize that we are again about to find ourselves in the season of fall. There are a few trees, whose leaves are daring to turn colors, that we associate with October, and there are frantic families in the school supply section of local stores trying to find exactly what they need. These are signs of the need to get ready for the routine that is the school year. I am no longer a student, and have no reason to pay much attention to the school calendar. However, my practice and the people around me are caught up and affected by it, so it seems to be something I live by, as well. Even without the need to know the first day of school or the bus schedule, it seems that everyone somehow gets back to what they are supposed to be doing about the time September comes around. We have had a great summer here in Wisconsin, and many of us have spent time doing things we can’t do any other time in the year—going to the lake, engaging in water sports, sunbathing, and being at the beach. However, as we close up cabins and pack away the swimwear, we find that many of the things we were supposed to be doing all summer now need a little attention. Many of us know the things that we are supposed to do, but we do not do them. Maybe this is the time to start counting calories again, or getting back into that exercise routine. Some of us need to again be careful to follow up on what our children are doing, or remembering when we need to be home to receive children after school. More than just being somewhere or getting another season’s clothing out, it’s important to return to the things that are important. Now that “usual life” is here, it’s important to continue to make time for important people in our lives. Too many of us can get caught up in the “busy” of life, and don’t also make the time for the important. This might mean a special one on one time for each of your children, or calling a friend or relative that you haven’t spent a lot of time with in recent months. Maybe it’s time to reconnect with a neighbor or someone in a group with you. Now that we are beginning to think about Fall and the things that need to be done, it can be a great time to be proactive and plan to keep our stress level at a minimum. That may mean keeping lunch dates or date nights on the calendar. It might mean remembering to say “no” to the many requests you receive. It might mean making appointments for yourself with someone who helps you keep your stress level low – a massage therapist, a counselor, a mentor, a friend. All of these people can help us as we learn better and better to take care of ourselves. Also, when we are in good health, we can take better care of others. The daily stresses of life do not affect us as much. The weekend that your child brings home the classroom hamster becomes fun instead of a chore. The many piles of laundry do not seem so overwhelming. Keeping yourself in good shape really does help! All it takes is a few weeks of not balancing boundaries well to get us behind the proverbial “8 ball” in care of ourselves. Make a plan for this Fall, that not only includes the things of life that are necessary, but remembers the things that are important…friendships, exercise, honoring commitments, keeping on top of things like stress and anger, spending quality time with your spouse, and remembering to enjoy the beauty of Fall. The beautiful colors of the leaves on the trees only come once a year, and it’s the only time we can enjoy them. Find the beauty in the things of Fall instead of only seeing the work. It’s worth the view… ---Contributed by Stephanie Hamann, Licensed Professional Counselor, Center for Human Development, Wausau, Wisconsin

Seasonal Affective Disorder

by Stephanie Hamann, MA, LPC, NCC The days are shorter, the daylight almost nonexistent. Your energy level is low at best. You no longer concentrate well. You long for a sunny day. You are irritable, and no longer interested in anything you like to do. You long for any kind of motivation to help you get through the day. You weren't like this just a few short months ago. What is wrong? For those of you who feel extra sluggish in the winter, and lose motivation and energy, you could be struggling with Seasonal Affective Disorder.

This is a disorder that looks a lot like depression, but it only happens in the winter or early spring months. As we have less and less sunlight, especially after daylight savings time ends, many people find themselves to be irritable, tired and unmotivated. It does not help that with the holidays, there are many more things to do and expectations to live up to. Sometimes being in close contact with difficult family members exacerbates our experience of irritability and sadness. The holidays end, and we are left with sluggish feelings that are more than just the Christmas blues. The symptoms are very similar to depression, though Seasonal Affective Disorder seems to slowly go away by late spring, obviously the same time that we have much more daylight. It can be confusing to determine if what you are experiencing is Seasonal Affective Disorder or if you have simply become depressed. Below are listed several things to try if you are feeling that you are struggling with any kind of depression.

The important thing to know is that there are things that you can do to lessen the impact of Seasonal Affective Disorder. First, knowing what it is and how it affects you can help you understand your behavior. Sometimes just having a name for the thing we are experiencing can help us feel better about what is going on, and feel less 'crazy.' Secondly, getting a medical check up and finding out if there are biological things that are driving your experience or adding to it can be helpful to understand your behavior. Third, adding exercise to your schedule can help with interrupted sleep; general body function and mood can impact your experience significantly. I, myself, would rather spend time another way, but it's when I have added physical exercise to my schedule that I have felt the best, not only about myself, but also about the world around me. Start moving! It's best if that exercise is at least 30 minutes three times a week, but anything is better than nothing. Fourth, try a full spectrum light in your house or place of employment. The price of these items has come down drastically over the last few years, and I have seen them for sale this year for as low as $20. Adding full spectrum light, which replicates the light of the sun, can give you some of the refreshment that a sunny day does. This can be an inexpensive way to combat all sorts of symptoms related to depression. I know several people who use a full spectrum light at their place of employment and have found it an effective treatment for the dreary winter and it improves their mood. Fifth, find someone to talk to. Talk to a trusted friend, relative, pastor or counselor who will give you time to talk about the things that are most difficult. Sometimes family issues impact your mood and getting to talk those things through with someone who has experience in those topics can help life all year long. Tackling difficult subjects can help your experience. If you find that a friend or relative is not the best person to talk to, it can be a good idea to make an appointment with a counselor. Sixth, reduce or eliminate alcohol consumption. Though alcohol initially provides a way of escape from feelings, the result over time is that alcohol is a depressant, and adding something of that nature to your experience will not be helpful. Seventh, sometimes Seasonal Affective Disorder is serious enough that medication is required. This should be discussed with your primary care physician at your checkup, and can be considered if other treatments have not worked. Finally, celebrate small victories. Celebrate the fact that each day has a little more light. Celebrate the days it is sunny. Celebrate the weekend when it comes. Do some things to lighten your mood and count your blessings. Your perspective can be just as important in your defeat of Seasonal Affective Disorder as all of the things listed above. Be patient with yourself and count the days until spring.

Be encouraged! Last year a law was passed to change daylight savings time in spring and moved it up into March we should have much longer days by mid March, instead of mid April! Keep in mind that more light alone will not help immediately. Sometimes people expect too much right away, and they find themselves more discouraged because they didn't 'snap out of it' when the weather changed. Once again, be patient with yourself, and let yourself slowly come out of it. Patience can be the key to a better outlook. If you find that you are well into warmer weather without changes in your mood, it may be more than Seasonal Affective Disorder. It may be a good idea to make an appointment with a counselor. Another good idea is to make notes and keep track of emotions and symptoms. It can be helpful from year to year to be reminded of the 'usual' way that Seasonal Affective Disorder has impacted you so you can judge from year to year how you and the treatments you have tried have helped. However, if you or someone you know is ever depressed to the point of feeling suicidal, please take yourself or your loved one to the hospital or call 911. It is much more important to be alive than not want to impose. Do not be afraid to ask someone if they are suicidal. We are not able to talk people into being suicidal just by mentioning it. Encourage them to be honest, and do what is best for them. Seasonal Affective Disorder can change your plans for you this winter, but it can be treated with some small changes in lifestyle. Know that you are not alone, and you can be helped!

Building Unbreakable Marriages

The minister was outraged, and he didn't care who knew it. The question he had for Dr. Laura Schlessinger was this: Was he out of bounds to sue a couple he had recently married--a couple who had promised never to divorce? The minister's anger is a sign--and a good one, in my view--that the church recognizes it needs to be doing something about high divorce rates. As this pastor explained to Dr. Laura, the divorcing couple had begged him to marry them; they promised they would never part. But part they did--just 18 months after the ceremony. The minister asked: 'Do you think taking them to court for some token amount would be a good idea? After all, they made a promise to God, to me, and to the guests at their wedding that they would stay married until death.' And he added: 'I provided a service on the condition that they were marrying for life. They are breaking the contract, and I want compensation for wasting so many hours on that wedding.' Well, the minister's comments struck a nerve. When Dr. Laura posed this question to her radio audience, the response was overwhelming. One woman said: 'I think [everyone] who attended should be able to sue for fraud.' She labeled the wedding 'a deceitful attempt to extract cash and gifts from unsuspecting friends and family.' Another had an even better idea: When one marriage partner dumps the other, she said, the minister should invite all the wedding guests back and 'un-perform' the ceremony. The departing spouse would be forced to explain why he or she is leaving, buy presents for the guests, and pay all the expenses of the 'un-ceremony.' Well, these ideas may sound humorous--in a vindictive sort of way--but they do raise a serious question. Why can't people keep their marriages together? My friend Mike McManus, who wrote a book called 'Marriage Savers,' suggests that divorce is partly the fault of the church. Many do a poor job of preparing couples for lasting marriages. Mike maintains that if churches really wanted to keep marriages from unraveling, they would introduce the bride and groom to programs with a proven success record. For example, for engaged couples, there's a program called PREPARE. The couple fills out a questionnaire, which provides an objective snapshot of the state of their relationship. Then, older married couples teach them concrete strategies for tackling weak areas. PREPARE's questionnaire can predict with 80 percent accuracy which marriages will end in divorce. For struggling newlyweds, there's a program called ENRICH. In this one, newlyweds work with older couples who act as mentors. By candidly sharing their own problems and solutions, the mentors offer practical examples of how to save a marriage. The church ought to be a force for preserving the institution God has ordained as the basis of the social order. Call us here at BreakPoint and we'll send you some timely information on these Marriage Saver programs. America's divorce rate is a tragedy. But instead of getting angry and suing couples for breach of contract, we ought to do everything we can to help build unbreakable marriages. From BreakPoint, April 12, 2000, copyright 2000, reprinted with permission of Prison Fellowship, P.O. Box 17500, Washington, DC, 20041-0500. For more information visit BreakPoint at www.breakpoint.org.

Christmased

Guest Editorial: Christmas 2000 is here and people everywhere are preparing to celebrate this special holiday. For some it means only a few extra days off work; for others a time when families can get together to celebrate, for others it is a time of gift giving and Santa Claus and for still others it is a religious holiday commemorating the birth of the Christ Child born in poverty two centuries ago. This Christmas the spiritual aspect of the season has much more meaning than ever before because of the events that took place during the past year.Six short months ago emblazoned on the front page of the Wausau Daily Herald were pictures of our home of 32 years engulfed in flames. The place we raised our children, all or our belongings including heirloom antiques, scrapbooks of memories, clothing...almost everything was gone. Standing, helpless, while watching it burn, my wife remembered that we were to pick up her mother to take her to have her hearing tested and placed a cell phone call to her sister to do the task. Her sister upon hearing the news, amidst tears looked at the coffee mug she was holding, gasped, and read to my wife the words printed on the cup 'Take Courage, I have everything under control...Jesus.' A coincidence, perhaps, but then how does one explain the print of the 'Serenity Prayer' and a copy of Tim Hansel's uplifting Christian book, You Gotta Keep Dancin', removed from the fire moments later. Then, if that wasn't enough, at 4:30 the next morning I found a copy of an open Bible only slightly charred resting on a pile of embers in the foundation. But what does having everything under control mean? It could have been the fact that we had reviewed our insurance coverage earlier in the year, or the help of the Town of Texas firefighters, Red Cross and Salvation Army at the time of the fire. Perhaps it was in the community that stepped forward to help and encourage us--friends, family, neighbors, our employees, people from various churches in the community, merchants, building contractors and suppliers.Support and encouragement came from everywhere and we are filled with gratitude to so many. Perhaps His hand was in the lessons that we have learned and can pass on to others. Lessons like: unplug the toaster or coffee pot when leaving your home, review your insurance coverage (including personal property) on a annual basis, keep an inventory of household belongings, have a fireproof safe for important papers, keep your computer backups in a separate location. Other lessons we learned, or were reminded of included: people and relationships are much more important than stuff that we accumulate, when you are helpless it is time to reach out to others, little notes and calls saying 'I'm thinking of you' or 'you're in our prayers' provide tremendous support, allow others to help when they offer, and sometimes all you can say is thank you...and that's enough. Today we are in our new home, unfinished but constructed in less than 6 months. Our God has revealed Himself to us in so many ways this year and that makes this Christmas especially significant. More than just a babe in a manger He shows Himself in events, through people, and in a special ongoing relationship. Take time this Christmas to attend Church and look for His hand in the events and people you meet throughout the coming year. The Webster's home burned to the ground on June 16 and the story reported in the Wausau Daily Herald on Saturday June 17. Lee is the founder and director of the Center for Human Development a counseling center providing services to the community for over 25 years.

The Real Answer to New Year's Resolutions

Every year on New Year's Day there is a push to make New Year's Resolutions. As important as these decisions are in our personal lives, they are often made and within a week chalked up on the list of personal failures to plague us throughout the new year. If your 'New Millennium decisions' have already gone by the wayside, all is not lost. There are some lessons that can be learned from Alcoholics Anonymous that can help change failure to success! Spell out your goals clearly. It often helps to write down your goals in specific terms with a specific time line. For example rather than 'exercise' write down 'week 1: walk for 30 minutes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 8AM'. You might consider putting additional behavioral goals or increments on a calendar and checking them off as you accomplish them. Give yourself a gold star for your accomplishments! Have a support system. We all need encouragement and support from time to time. It is helpful to have one or two good friends who are truly supportive and not critical (your spouse may be one of these) that you can tell what you are doing and ask if you can contact them if you are tempted to break your resolution. When making this agreement be sure to tell them that their job isn't to keep tabs on you (you're responsible to do that for yourself) but to be there for you when you request help and to celebrate your successes with you. In some instances you may want to seek out a support group such as over-eaters anonymous or gamblers anonymous. Keep a positive attitude, living one day at a time. It is important to know that lifestyle and habit change takes time and often practice. That is how we learn things, two steps forward, one step back, and start over again with perseverance. Studies have told us that it takes approximately 3 weeks of conscious effort to change a simple habit so any rewarding lifestyle change will benefit from conscious reminders, not from criticism (from either others or ourselves). Over the years I have worked with many people to quit smoking. Frequently a 2 pack-a-day smoker will return 3 days after their first session with me discouraged and feeling like a failure because they had given in to their habit and smoked two cigarettes the day before. Never mind the 118 they didn't smoke, they are upset with the two that they have! Guilt, in this instance, only increases the stress they feel and increases the likelihood of failure. Choose each moment of each day to maintain your focus on your goal. Recognize that you don't have to go it alone. Perhaps the most powerful of all lessons of Alcoholics Anonymous are included in the '12 steps' and specifically in the first 3 steps. Thousands have changed one of the most debilitating habits by relying on God; admitting helplessness to change by themselves, recognizing that there is a 'power greater than ourselves that can restore us to sanity', and finally turning it over to Him. Good luck in meeting your goals this coming year!